Nerd Editorial: Fantastic Four Movie – Flop

F42015

I’m not sure I can do this. I don’t know if I have the brain power and necessary writing skills to fully articulate how bad of a film the new Fantastic Four film truly is. I’ve seen countless articles proclaiming it to be the worst superhero film in 20 years-RottenTomatoes rates it lower than Batman and Robin. And it deserves it. This film was a joyless slog and made its 90 minute run time feel like five hours. In an era where there are dozens of comic book movies already made, especially ones that focus on origin stories, this kind of incompetency is unacceptable.

An hour and half is enough time to tell a complete story and properly flesh out four characters. This film feels like the bare-bones of a movie though-scenes happen in an order you expect them to happen, but there’s nothing trying them together in a cohesive whole. The actors have no chemistry together and by the end when they properly team up it isn’t satisfying because the movie has done nothing to convince you these people care about each other, or even like one another.

I’m going to get into spoilers now. Dr. Doom is wasted as a villain-there’s nothing about him that resembles anything in the comics (sidenote-is it really that hard for Hollywood casting directors to find Romani actors? Doom and the Maximoff twins from this year’s earlier blockbuster Age of Ultron are all Romani but none of their actors were). He and Richards get into a pissing contest over who’s smartest and who gets to bone Sue, and he tries to destroy the planet for kicks in the last 15 minutes of the movie. That’s it. That’s all he contributes to this mess. His fight with the four at the very end is shoehorned in because the film realized it hadn’t had an action scene yet and the team needed something to fight.

Sue Storm’s poor treatment is also noteworthy. None of the characters are treated well, but Sue doesn’t even get to go to the planet/dimension (the movie can’t decide what to call it) like the rest of the group does when they get their powers. She just gets hit with a blast from the computer screen when she brings the others back to the base and boom, she’s got her powers. The film doesn’t even manage to get her a decent wig-you can tell what scenes were reshoots by looking out for the awful straw wig Kate Mara wears in them.

There’s so much more to say about this movie. Ben Grimm is absent from roughly a fifth of it and his catchphrase “It’s clobbering time!” now comes from his abusive older brother who used to say that to him before hitting him. Reed Richards is first asked to build a teleportation device by being discovered by Dr. Storm at a high school science fair. The Thing doesn’t wear pants. Don’t’ go see this movie. Some of you might think it’s enjoyably bad and worth a laugh, but it really isn’t. If you want to watch something for a bad movie night, rent Batman and Robin or Catwoman. Fantastic Four is a dull, pointless film that only proves FOX doesn’t care about these characters and should sell them back to Marvel Studios immediately.